Unforgiving November (a poem)

Jordan Starling

In the bleakness of the month November
Each year it seems I must remember
Callous never seems to grow
Where the myopic cut was bore
And as the crimson leaves are falling
Deafening is the faithful calling
Never ceasing, never stalling
To relieve me of my dolor

And as each season turns
The fire within me burns
And the misery, it churns
A grinding beating on my soul
It’s no different in May
As I watch the toddlers play
So very innocent and gay
They seem, as they their mother’s hold

But each year in the Fall
It seems I do recall
More vividly, the gall
Of that fateful day of yore
The iridescent leaves
Mock the weary heart that grieves
And the body that vainly cleaves
To a hope for something more

Wracked with pain
Wracked with regret
The need for refuge
Remains unmet
Tomorrow will only beget
A fresh reminder of the stain
See, the blood is on my hands
See, the verdict against me stands
And no opinion or ruling of man
Can change the falling of the blame

And I’ve tried so hard to avoid
The fact that I so wickedly destroyed
A life, and that I also toyed
With the idea of playing God
How foolish it now seems
And my conscience within me deems
Me to be the villain of my dreams
The murderer banished to Nod

And each Fall it never fails
The spirit of defeat always prevails
And each anniversary of my mistake entails
Memories from that doctor’s table
The scalpel that he used
Was cold enough to bruise
My unfeeling heart, and now I can’t choose
To forget, even if I were able

All around me, I hear infants crying
It seems my will to live is dying
As all my efforts at trying
To move on rebound against my past
The memories I can’t get out of my head
The lies that everyone around me said
Still I know my child is dead
The die against me is cast

And I often wonder, when I hear a baby cry
That if my baby, who unmercifully had to die
In heaven, when I meet her, will recognize
The Mommy who took her life away
And will I, the wretch, also cry
In the presence of the Savior who came to die
And will I still wonder why
I did what I did and it happened that way?

The cross that hangs around my neck
Helps me so I won’t forget
Through the pain and through the regret
The grace that has now come
For the angels that welcomed my daughter
On that day of gruesome slaughter
Because of Christ, will not falter
To see me safely home

Copyright 2007 Jordan Starling, used with permission

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